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Bits and Pieces from Bill MacWithey

This page is a little bit of everything, from cute jokes to true stories to odd stuff.

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LIP PRINTS

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers and then there are teachers!!

Subject: How do these people survive? 


    Recently, when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could
 have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
 nuggets.
    "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
     "You don't?" I replied.
     "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
     "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
     "That's right."

    "Are you absolutely sure you can't sell me a half dozen nuggets?"

    "Hey, man, I'm really sorry, but rules are rules."
     Even though I was about to bust a gut laughing at his ineptitude, I took into account his age,  shook my head and said, "Well, I guess I'll have to settle for  six McNuggets if you can't sell a half-dozen.  I sure wouldn't want you to start breaking rules at your young age."

Now, every time I go through the drive through to grab a cardboard burger or something else as delectable, I wonder if he told someone about the weirdo that wanted to buy a half dozen McNuggets and they explained the truth of it to him.

   I've learned to take things such as the above in stride these days, and the following will bear out the lack of... something, I'm not sure exactly what, in the people we encounter on a daily basis.  

A couple of months ago, I was at the checkout at a local supermarket.  I had perhaps ten small items on the circular turntable,  and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.  I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider", looked all over it for the bar code so she could scan it, and finally said, "I'll have to call for a price check on this."
I smiled and said, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today".
She said "Oh, okay."  She smiled at the four people in line behind me, and had not a clue
about why they were all laughing.

> MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!!!

 A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she
said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card
number, so she was using the ATM "thingy" on her computer

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you
need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote
 door unlocker.  Now I can't get into my car."
"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have
a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno."
"Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car
keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why
don't you drive over there and see if they have batteries.  It's a long walk."

A neighbor tells me, "Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift.  One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put
 it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

I was in a car dealership a a few years back, when a large motor home was
towed  into the garage.  The front of the vehicle was heavily damaged and the rest of it looked like a prop from the movie, TWISTER.
I asked the manager what had happened and he told me that the driver had
set the "cruise control" then went in the back to make a sandwich.

 DANGER!  IDIOTS AT WORK...
 Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS...
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office
of a large bank.  Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers.  One day he got a call from a woman in one of the branch
banks who asked, "I've got smoke coming from the back of my
computer terminal.  Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE...
When the college science teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year,  one of the students became visibly excited, cheering and clapping.  The teacher had to explain to her that the amount of daylight
 changes, but there was still twenty-four hours in every day.  Needless to say, this prime student was quite disappointed.

CRIMINAL IDIOTS

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
 button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Of course the criminally stupid suspect believed the "lie detector" was working and confessed to everything.  I suppose you could say he was outwitted by the miracle of modern day criminology.

You know, I heard that these crazies who say they want to die in a holy war and be martyred are told there will be seventy-two virgins awaiting them in paradise.  Perhaps what their teachers aren't telling them is that they themselves will arrive in paradise as one hundred year olds, and there ain't no Viagra.

A girl has brought her fiancé home for dinner.
After dinner, the fiancé and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk.

"So, what are you doing right now?" asks the father.
"I am a theology scholar," replies the fiancé.

"Do you have any plans of employment?"
"I will study and God will provide."

"What about the children?" asks the man.
"God will provide."

"And your house and car?"
"Again, God will provide," says the fiancé.

After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, "So what did you two talk about?"

The man replies, "He has no plans of employment but, on the other hand, he thinks I'm God."

It was many years ago, when the embarrassed young woman, a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16 years old.
She agreed.

The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, when one day the
boy who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said,
"I'll be 16 tomorrow!"

"I know, I know" said the butcher with a smile. "I've been counting too!"
"Now tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the LAST
free meat she'll get from me... and watch the expression on her face!"

When the boy arrived home he told his mother what the butcher had said.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I've also had
free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years...
and watch the expression on HIS face!"


Behind every great man is a great woman...
and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her butt!

Join the army!
Travel the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.

Customer Service Sign: Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders.
If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?  (sorry)

Endless Love:
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

For Sale:
Taliban rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

Vegetarian:
Native American definition for "lousy hunter."

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having
a peeing section in a swimming pool. (Think about it :)

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there -
is he still wrong?

And a final word to the wise...
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.


Fella told me the other day, "My wife and I are partners in everything.  'Course, she's the senior partner."

Two not too bright fellas were putting siding on a house, one working on the west side and the other working on the east side.  The east side guy walks around to the west side and sees his partner throwing away about half the nails he pulls out of his nail apron.  "Hey, whatcha doin' throwin' those nails away?"

"Well, half the dang things have the head on the wrong end."

The east side guy laughs and says, "Boy, I knew you were dumb, but that beats all.  Those nails are for my side of the house you dummy!"

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a
farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that
the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him,
"Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .
to people who are out standing in their field."

A Good Old Boy took his son fishing one day.
While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious
about the world around him. He asked his father,
"How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son."

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked,
"How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son."

Finally, the boy asked his father, "Pop, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not my boy, if you don't ask questions,
ya ain't never gonna learn nothin'!"

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest
pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately
began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus
should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been
blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began
commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.
He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason
did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.

The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they
could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe,
and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.
After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears,
big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor
to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted...

"Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither
all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. You're a Democrat!"