WELCOME TO

Computer Programs of the Future

by

Bill MacWithey

"Charlie, I’m tired of cooking. Let’s go out to eat tonight. We haven’t been out for ages."

"Ages? What do you call that dinner party we went to the other night?"

"Oh, boy, is that your idea of going out - listening to a bunch of old fogies talk about missiles and fuel mixtures and theoretical time compendiums? I mean out! You know, like dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe a little dancing afterward. Have a little fun for a change."

"Maxine, what the hell do you expect of me? My gosh, I work my butt off with all those old fogies, as you call them, all week. You think I like my humdrum schedule? Two hours every morning to Paris - two hours home every night. You put that together with working four hours every day, well, it certainly is no picnic. And, what do you have to do all day in Chicago? You hang out at the club with your friends."

"Oh? You think that’s all I do - hang out with my friends and drink margaritas all day? Listen, buster, I’m not only president of the Neighborhood Beautification Association, I’m also on the Mayor’s Citizens’ Advisory Board, recording secretary for the Ladies of Chicago, vice president of the Keep Chicago’s Beaches Clean Association, and I’m also an officer in a half dozen other charitable organizations. I’ll bet I do more work than you do!"

"Well, you sure as hell don’t bring a paycheck home for all your work."

"Oh? Is that what you want me to do - bring a paycheck home? Well, I could!"

"Doing what? You’ve never worked a day in your life. Your parents spoiled the hell out of you, and I’ve done nothing but perpetuate what they started."

"If I’m so rotten spoiled, why did you marry me to begin with?"

"Sex."

"What? You married me for sex? What happened to `I love you, Darling.’ and `You have the most beautiful smile.’ and all the rest of the bull you used to lure me into marrying you? Are you saying you just used all that to get me into bed?"

"Dammit, Maxine, you were different, then. You used to really enjoy jumping into the sack for a romp in the middle of the day, or making out on the beach or in the park. Now, you act like it’s a real gift if you make love once a week."

"Ha! You aren’t exactly a superman anymore, yourself. When’s the last time you kissed me? I mean, really kissed me, not that little peck on the cheek you give me each morning, as you run out the door. That little peck isn’t what I’d call the most romantic thing I’ve ever experienced."

"So, what are you going to fix for dinner?"

"Fix your own dinner. I’m going out to eat. You can come if you’d like, but if you do, you pay."

"Maxine, what in the world’s bugging you?"

"Our marriage is totally nothing. All we do is cohabitate."

"And I suppose it’s all my fault."

"Well, my mother warned me what marrying a Sprocknik would be like."

"Oh, she did, did she? I guess I could have done better, myself. Remember Evelyn? She was so hot for me she couldn’t stand it when we announced our engagement. She ran off and married some jerk she’d known for a week."

"I’ll bet that was a real blow to your ego. You always had the hots for her, too, didn’t you?"

"So, Maxine, what’s it going to be, dinner or divorce?"

"Hey, do me a favor. Go to hell and never come back!"

Maxine heard the door from the heliport open and quickly stroked the keys on the computer keyboard. The life-sized 3-D image of her husband disappeared from the wall and was replaced with a remake of the old movie, Star Wars.

When Bobby walked into the room, he bent over her shoulder, kissed her wetly on the neck and lay his hand on her breast. "What have you been up to, beautiful? Been watching old movies again?"

"Yeah, there’s not much to do while you’re gone all day. I programmed your favorite meal in the synthesizer."

"Mmm, that’s sweet of you. By the way, what was that new interactive computer program Evelyn gave you the other day? You were going to show it to me."

"Aw, I deleted it from the drive. It was a really stupid program. Nothing you’d enjoy.