WELCOME TO

It was sort of like being in a B grade movie. You know, the kind that starts out: It was a dark, overcast night. The street light a half block away cast eerie shadows in the otherwise blackness of a cloud covered night sky. Well, you could say it was one of those nights that lend well to ghost-like or eerie outer limits type stories - the perfect night for telling scary stories around a campfire - the sort of night in which even a grown man hates to be outside alone.

I lived on the edge of town where the open country began, with short scrubby brush and wild flowers growing in the open field behind my house. There was what we call a wet weather creek about a block behind my house. Anytime we had sufficient rain, the creek ran from a small trickle to an honest-to-goodness river-like creek. But in the hot, dry summers of South Texas, it was as dry as a first-time-public-speaker’s mouth.

Those familiar with this area of Texas will know we have a fair number of western brown rattlesnakes around here. Having been under fire a number of times during my military time, I can honestly say, jumping out of airplanes and everything that goes with a combat area never really frightened me all that much. BUT, I HATE SNAKES! I don’t care if they are harmless little garden snakes, I want no part of any of them!

I raised Great Pyrenees dogs at the time and always had several stainless steel bowls of water in my back yard. During the hottest time of the summer, the rattlesnakes, which normally hid their slithering, shiny bodies in the weeds and shrubs close to the dry creek bed, would slither up into my yard to get at the water bowls. Well, did I have a surprise for them! I sat all three water bowls right at the end of a picnic table on the patio. One end of this table sat right next to a door from the screened-in portion of the patio. I could enter the screen room by way of a patio door in the master bedroom.

One of the tools I had was a straight hoe. For those not familiar with this tool, it is like taking a regular garden hoe, but the blade runs straight out from the handle. I sharpened that blade until it was keen enough to use as a razor. I could creep onto the top of the picnic table and slam that blade down on an unsuspecting evil-doing slithering, rattling beast and remove its evil head in one sharp blow. The dogs knew to stay as far away from these spawn of the devil as possible, but they would bark crazily when a snake appeared on the patio. I believe I probably killed some twenty-five or so rattlers on my patio in the five years I lived there. The largest was about as big around as my arm and seven feet long. Like everything else in Texas, the snakes grow big.

To get on with my tale of this dark, forbidding night, I had whittled my dog population down to just one female, Chastity, who was my pal and constant companion. Living alone and not so much being afraid of the dark, as being afraid of what might be hiding there, one needs something or someone to protect one. I had my straight hoe and Chastity. (She really wasn’t so chaste, but it sounded good.)

Well, this dark night was in the middle of the summer, when the snakes had been coming to visit on an even more regular basis than normal. I had killed five of them in about the span of a month and had started letting Chastity keep me company in the house. She usually lay close to the patio door from the den to the patio. As I watched some program on television, Chastity suddenly stood and uttered the low growl that meant something or someone was about.

Reluctantly raising myself from a half-asleep position on the sofa, I made my way to the patio door. With the light turned off, I pressed my face cupped into my hands against the glass and stared around at the concrete patio floor near the water bowls. Nothing to be seen. I unlocked the door and slowly slid it sideways, wondering if a rattlesnake might be lying in wait to one side, waiting to spring at me with its ugly fangs and deadly venom. One can imagine all sorts of things in this sort of murder mystery weather.

A cool, soft breeze wafted past the door and brought the scent of wildflowers to my nostrils, as Chastity slid past me and out into the yard a few steps. Then, she growled that low warning that some sort of evil was about. I peered around the yard and, at first, saw nothing. I stood there wishing I had replaced the burned out spotlight in my rear outdoor light. Would have been nice to be able to see what was out there. Flashlight. That’s what was called for.

Moving backward into the kitchen to my right, I opened the drawer and withdrew the shiny metal Ray-O-Vac light from a drawer and slid the switch to the on position. Well, they made a heck of a sturdy flashlight, but their batteries at this time seemed a bit wanting to me. Only the dimmest of dark gold light appeared. It was so weak a bit of light, it seemed trapped within the reflector, absolutely useless. I thought perhaps my eyes just needed to adjust to the darkness to see that evil lurking out there.

Chastity continued to growl softly and stared at the corner of the cedar privacy fence to my right. "Is there something out there, girl?" I spoke in a near whisper, not wanting to encourage an attack by that snake which might be hiding close by. I stared toward the corner of the fence for several minutes, then I saw it! It appeared as something shiny moving about very slowly. Of course, I knew it was exactly the way the shiny scales of a large rattlesnake would appear in the diminished light of this dark, eerie night, with but a hint of streetlight illuminating my surroundings.

What should I do? Should I get Chastity back inside and close the door, waiting until morning light to hunt down the invader? No, I couldn’t do that. My hatred of the evil ones would not allow that. I must act now or forever live with any later failed attempt to assassinate the beast. When a snake is spotted, a snake should be sent to snake heaven, or snake hell, or wherever snakes go when their heads are separated from their bodies. No sir, this snake had to go and go right now.

I started for the garage to get my straight hoe, but remembered I had left it on the patio outside the patio door a few feet. Could I chance going out there to retrieve it unarmed? I thought not! That could be suicide! I made my way to the garage, placed a long-handled spade on the workbench and grabbed a file. With a few careful strokes, I touched up the sharpness of its blade and returned to the patio door, staring out at the corner of the fence to see if I could spot the creature. The slight flashes of shine from its scales were still there.

Now, I had to steel myself to go on the attack. Taking a deep breath, I slid the door open, telling Chastity to stay inside. Closing the door behind me, I quickly moved as quietly as I could around the screen room and to the side fence. Creeping slowly along the fence, I saw the shiny thing about half way to the corner of the fence. It seemed to be dancing in a rhythm with the breeze, totally unaware of my approach.

I raised the shovel high above my head and slammed it to earth in a deadly blow. The sound of the crackling of the beast’s scales and the rattle shaking at me filled my imagination, as I ran as fast as I could toward the patio door, knowing the damned personification of evil was hot in pursuit, about to lash out and sink its surely two inch fangs into my flesh.

When I grabbed at the handle of the patio door and pulled sideways it didn’t move. I had locked it! Now, I had to run into the screen room and into the bedroom. Without even a half second pause, my mind was made up that it was my only hope, as I dashed through the screen door and on through the bedroom patio door, slamming it hard behind me and sliding the lock down.

When I arrived back the other patio door, I realized Chastity had gone through the open bedroom patio door, pushed the screen door open and was outside. I flipped the kitchen light switch and slid the door open just far enough to yell at her. To my horror, she was walking out of the corner of the fence as nonchalantly as could be. "Hurry, Chassie!" At the sound of my voice she trotted a bit faster and was soon safe inside.

I had a hard time sleeping, wondering just how large that snake was and if I had indeed killed it. The following morning, I awakened to the sound of the coffee maker gurgling my life’s blood into its glass decanter. Thank God for automation. It was barely dawn, so I decided to have a cup before going out to investigate the size of the thing in the corner. Finally, I slid the patio door open and was at least thankful that I could see what I was walking into, as I approached the corner of the fence.

I truly hoped none of the neighbors were up at this early hour and I was thankful it was Saturday. Chastity wagged her tail furiously and seemed to smile at me, as I laughed as loudly as I ever had. For all my fear and loathing of snakes, I had killed a really large black plastic garbage bag.